This is the last time I'm writing on this blog. For a change, I will make this short and sweet. I have moved on to http://www.sharmdranmusings.blogspot.com because my life also belongs to Su Jin now, and we have started a blog together. Read about me there if you will miss being bored to death by my long posts, or just read about us, one post at a time.
Saturday, 13 December 2014
Monday, 1 December 2014
To Su Jin:
Foreword:
I wrote the first half of this letter right after baccalaureate and continued the other half after A levels. At first, I was pretty upset about not knowing how to go about continuing the other half. But my thoughts fell perfectly into place over the course of the last few days, since, within the span of the first one week after A levels we've learnt several life-changing lessons. With that, I present the complete post graduation letter to my dear babe:
Funny how everyone's journey together ended yesterday but ours continues.
But I'd first like to write about how it all began. I'd prefer not to write things like 'it was fate' unless the situation demands it, but this situation demands it. It was fate.
How I managed to remember that you were that sweaty dark skinned boy I was huddling with during mass rally that one day of orientation I do not know, for you were: a) a complete stranger b) really smelly and c) sweating profusely. But I remember - from the day I first encountered you, right up till the very last morning we sat at the bleachers together, I remember. It saddens me that I'm using 'sat' and will no longer be using 'sit', but it brings me immense joy and inexplicable happiness to be able to say, 'I love you', present tense.
We've come a long way. There must have been countless beautiful sharmdran stories told and written by me, you and by loving friends, but one story I've yet to write on this blog is the story of how and why I fell in love with you.
Like all love stories, our love had to start somewhere. I disliked you, for reasons I still cannot fathom. I hated the leg hair you've said flies get caught in. I used to think that you've dated five girls and will date five more. I placed you on my mental list of 'guys I will never date'. Su Jin Chandran, I thought we would never, ever, be friends. But I fell in love with you, because I befriended you. I started taking ugly selfies with you, doing your pushup dares on the void deck tables, owning you at fun run during twenty minute breaks, walking , sometimes running/dancing/laughing/racing, to star with classmates. I fell in love with you, because we became best friends. How I know this is because there is simply not enough room on this measly site for me to do justice to our friendship in writing. How I know this is because even if I manage to, my memory will betray me the moment I click 'publish', leaving me to open up our two person Whatsapp group and start typing the message 'remember that time we.....'
In light of graduation, some would be reflecting on the lessons their teachers have taught them. I prefer to write about the valuable lessons my true teacher has taught me. You. First and foremost, you've taught me lessons through being you. Never in my life have I seen such respectable dedication, hard work and perseverance, and I truly believe that, never again will I. Like everyone else, you had to make sacrifices to dance. But you had to fail hundreds of times when others succeeded, you had to attempt to overcome insurmountable fatigue, and you had to endure the night I threatened not to turn up at Bailamos. If there's one great lesson you've taught me while you journeyed to excellence and I struggled alongside you, it would have to be that a single perfection is most real when there have been a hundred failures and setbacks.
Another valuable lesson I've only come to terms with recently after graduating is that staying true to yourself is just as integral as being a better partner each day. A few nights after 26th November 2014 (the day we officially became 'us'), I asked you most sincerely if you were willing to continue making my journey yours. I knew, painfully, that it would be inhumanely difficult for anyone to agree to that, since it's hard truth my family circumstances will bring us more struggle than happiness. As usual, you said yes without a trace of hesitance, and added wisely, "what kind of person will saying no make me?" That alone spoke not only of your utter dedication and commitment towards me, but also succinctly revealed that this commitment is never only about being a better partner, but never straying from who you are. It is with unfaltering pride then, that I say you are the best of yourself when being the best for me.
Finally, you've taught me more about myself than anyone ever has. And most humbly, I really did think I was a pretty good teacher to myself. They say the man is a reflection of his woman. But there have been countless of times you've revealed what is blind to me in the mirror, although harsh and brutal at times. The great sense you always make in your criticism towards me have been the bane of my existence as much as one of my greatest life lessons. On hindsight, the times that made me feel closest to hatred for you were the times that were truly justified of receiving no less than the height of my love.
The difficulty for any human being to come to terms with what I'm writing here is great. Acceptance is sometimes beyond human nature in the face of criticism. Although this is probably one of the first few times I've given it the acknowledgment it deserves, I want you to know that I have its gravity embedded in my being. Human nature will always be its greatest barrier. I will fail to admit the importance of your criticism when pride, selfishness, anger and insecurity cloud my vision. But it is when this very nature is tested, when I ask myself on nights I come close to hating you if Sharmaine and Su Jin can still be one, where this will emerge from the shadows. I will remember what I wrote about you when I was eighteen. I will remember I once called you my greatest teacher. And regardless of how old we are then, my future self will know I'll need you as much as my eighteen year old self did. Babe, I'll always need your timeless life lessons. One of the most powerful ways to say I love you to each other then, is to be this humble student always wanting to learn and a teacher never tired to teach. My dear Su Jin, can I always, always, be that student?
I wrote the first half of this letter right after baccalaureate and continued the other half after A levels. At first, I was pretty upset about not knowing how to go about continuing the other half. But my thoughts fell perfectly into place over the course of the last few days, since, within the span of the first one week after A levels we've learnt several life-changing lessons. With that, I present the complete post graduation letter to my dear babe:
Funny how everyone's journey together ended yesterday but ours continues.
But I'd first like to write about how it all began. I'd prefer not to write things like 'it was fate' unless the situation demands it, but this situation demands it. It was fate.
How I managed to remember that you were that sweaty dark skinned boy I was huddling with during mass rally that one day of orientation I do not know, for you were: a) a complete stranger b) really smelly and c) sweating profusely. But I remember - from the day I first encountered you, right up till the very last morning we sat at the bleachers together, I remember. It saddens me that I'm using 'sat' and will no longer be using 'sit', but it brings me immense joy and inexplicable happiness to be able to say, 'I love you', present tense.
We've come a long way. There must have been countless beautiful sharmdran stories told and written by me, you and by loving friends, but one story I've yet to write on this blog is the story of how and why I fell in love with you.
Like all love stories, our love had to start somewhere. I disliked you, for reasons I still cannot fathom. I hated the leg hair you've said flies get caught in. I used to think that you've dated five girls and will date five more. I placed you on my mental list of 'guys I will never date'. Su Jin Chandran, I thought we would never, ever, be friends. But I fell in love with you, because I befriended you. I started taking ugly selfies with you, doing your pushup dares on the void deck tables, owning you at fun run during twenty minute breaks, walking , sometimes running/dancing/laughing/racing, to star with classmates. I fell in love with you, because we became best friends. How I know this is because there is simply not enough room on this measly site for me to do justice to our friendship in writing. How I know this is because even if I manage to, my memory will betray me the moment I click 'publish', leaving me to open up our two person Whatsapp group and start typing the message 'remember that time we.....'
In light of graduation, some would be reflecting on the lessons their teachers have taught them. I prefer to write about the valuable lessons my true teacher has taught me. You. First and foremost, you've taught me lessons through being you. Never in my life have I seen such respectable dedication, hard work and perseverance, and I truly believe that, never again will I. Like everyone else, you had to make sacrifices to dance. But you had to fail hundreds of times when others succeeded, you had to attempt to overcome insurmountable fatigue, and you had to endure the night I threatened not to turn up at Bailamos. If there's one great lesson you've taught me while you journeyed to excellence and I struggled alongside you, it would have to be that a single perfection is most real when there have been a hundred failures and setbacks.
Another valuable lesson I've only come to terms with recently after graduating is that staying true to yourself is just as integral as being a better partner each day. A few nights after 26th November 2014 (the day we officially became 'us'), I asked you most sincerely if you were willing to continue making my journey yours. I knew, painfully, that it would be inhumanely difficult for anyone to agree to that, since it's hard truth my family circumstances will bring us more struggle than happiness. As usual, you said yes without a trace of hesitance, and added wisely, "what kind of person will saying no make me?" That alone spoke not only of your utter dedication and commitment towards me, but also succinctly revealed that this commitment is never only about being a better partner, but never straying from who you are. It is with unfaltering pride then, that I say you are the best of yourself when being the best for me.
Sunday, 5 October 2014
Happiness potion - read for smiles
I started the morning with a song from God. "Blessings" by Laura Story was played during devotions, and the chorus goes:
What if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near
What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise
I ended the day, however, receiving a daily bible verse calendar as my final gift. And on my birthday, 1st October, it reads, "Lord, you have poured out amazing blessings! - Psalm 85:1"
Wow.
Actually, there's no 'what if'. To know 'amazing' blessings, it'd need to pour till it droughts and you'd need to cry till you're dry. I've seen the rainbow after the storm, whereas some never do. So I write this to restore faith in humanity. Anyone could be reading this right now (thanks technology), so what better way to give what I have received? What better way to bless with what I have been blessed with?
Hi, (insert your name here). My birthday may or may not concern you whatsoever - you may have received my personal thanks, or you may have seen my tears of joy after a successful surprise. If you're Su Jin, you will have seen my gratitude translated into speechlessness and heightened raw emotion. You may not have known, and did not receive happiness from me in return. But it doesn't matter, because if there's one thing I learnt from feeling true bliss on my birthday, it's that nobody deserves receiving any less. Everybody deserves to understand happiness in the form of pure love and friendship, and by sharing what I received with you, I hope to contribute. I will personally share my 1st October 2014 with you - stranger to stranger, friend to friend - on the place you'd find my greatest sincerity (welcome to my blog).
My birthday was about people:
What if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near
What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise
I ended the day, however, receiving a daily bible verse calendar as my final gift. And on my birthday, 1st October, it reads, "Lord, you have poured out amazing blessings! - Psalm 85:1"
Wow.
Actually, there's no 'what if'. To know 'amazing' blessings, it'd need to pour till it droughts and you'd need to cry till you're dry. I've seen the rainbow after the storm, whereas some never do. So I write this to restore faith in humanity. Anyone could be reading this right now (thanks technology), so what better way to give what I have received? What better way to bless with what I have been blessed with?
Hi, (insert your name here). My birthday may or may not concern you whatsoever - you may have received my personal thanks, or you may have seen my tears of joy after a successful surprise. If you're Su Jin, you will have seen my gratitude translated into speechlessness and heightened raw emotion. You may not have known, and did not receive happiness from me in return. But it doesn't matter, because if there's one thing I learnt from feeling true bliss on my birthday, it's that nobody deserves receiving any less. Everybody deserves to understand happiness in the form of pure love and friendship, and by sharing what I received with you, I hope to contribute. I will personally share my 1st October 2014 with you - stranger to stranger, friend to friend - on the place you'd find my greatest sincerity (welcome to my blog).
My birthday was about people:
 |
| Su Jin spent a whole day after prelims giving me the best birthday ever (separate post to come), but guess what, he decided one was definitely not enough. The days we have together at the bleachers now are numbered, and it seems like every morning there is turning into one solid memory dedicated to each morning only. In fact, we would have about 28 more memories there before the rest of the days get meaninglessly wasted away into our notes. The morning of my birthday was an exceptional memory, one I'd tell our kids in future (if any). "Papa bought mummy a hello kitty cake on her 18th birthday and it made me very happy," I'd say. I'd imagine Chandran junior saying, "eeeeee why papa so mushy!!", but I'd imagine Sharmaine junior saying, "I want a boyfriend and I him to give me a hello kitty cake...... when i'm 8!" |
I came home from school thinking the perfect day was over - even the perfect end to the perfect day was over. My thanks yous slowed and my mind fine tuned itself back to the furious rushing of my bio paper due the next day after jumping in the bathroom for a five minute shower (#everyjcstudent). The harsh reality was just beginning to set in when what seemed to be a simple trip to my room to get my towel ended off with the sighting of my smiley face Belgian chocolate ice-cream cake lit in the dark and my church friends standing behind it. Everything was coming together as I realised my dad didn't actually forget to buy the cake and my mom wasn't actually chasing me to shower. What ensued was a series of "OH MY GOD OH MY GODDDDD! !! !"s and instantaneous bawling, which were so bad I repeatedly forgot I had a candle to blow (I wouldn't stop running out of the room HAHA).
My cakes look like me - on the left: a bright yellow smiley face, on the right: a VERY CUTE LIKEABLE hello kitty. Also, I received Ed Sheeran's new album, from the love of my life, Su Jin (whose name will be everywhere in these posts), who also planned a birthday cake surprise for me after my ELL consult. Sneaky Su Jin (or was it more of un-Suspicious Sharmaine) allowed the plan to succeed as he led me from consult to the void deck, where my 2nd cake of the day was.
Previous tweet reference: "Others get a face to the cake, I get the face for a cake" HAHAHA (please laugh.)
Special thank yous to:
1) Everyone who got me something hello kitty related - polo babes/Shev/Su Jin/Jason/Bryan. I'd like to acknowledge that it is a very smart choice of gift - especially when you have no idea what to get me. (Jk HAHA). I always lament about flowers and balloons being the most useless gifts on earth, but anything branded with hello kitty and her face - perhaps ten hello kitty balloons or a bouquet of 20 hello kitty flowers (I DON'T CARE IF I'M BIASED) - will score you recognition on my blog ding ding! Y'all the best kay, keep pacifying my fangirl tendencies.
2) Best AND WORST guy classmate/friend/buddy ever, POH BOON KIAT, who came down to school with a cereal box and card for me, and a fever at the same time. Poor guy took a pink slip right after trolling me with a birthday card that said "Happy Children's Day" and a box of honey stars (cos I gave him cookie crisp on his birthday). I don't know if he went back home feeling more sick with satisfaction or with his fever.
3) My beautiful sister, Shevonne, who was the person to present me with my first birthday present - a beautiful blue dress which seems to perfectly tick off every single one of my fussy criteria for clothes. Also, she wouldn't stop saying I love you and giving me hugs. Truly I am grateful. I won't write much because you'd know through my everyday actions how grateful I am indeed for you.
4) Jason from my church life group for initiating the home surprise. I feel like I really do not thank you enough for who you are. I wish for a second that I need not have been the 'surprisesee', just so I can see for myself the thought you put into it and give you the recognition you deserve. Thank you so much for being a friend that is always there - not so much in your words but fully and sincerely in your actions and in your musical talent. I still owe you a song, I didn't forget. Forgive me for taking so long, but it will come. Thank you.
Plus - my WHOLE life group, who took me for a Japanese buffet yesterday (clearly my birthday is over), bought me my favourite EVERYTHING (has Shevonne been giving hints?), and made adjectives out of the first letters of my name. My personal favourite - E for emotional. Jason says it's because he hasn't seen anyone react to a surprise the way I did.
5) Glendon - I've returned you a very sincere reply after your very sincere message (love u brah)
6) Lastly, Su Jin Chandran. Because I want the world to know all that you've done for me, I'll be dedicating a whole post to our private birthday celebration, soon.
But I'd like to end off by writing about the impact you've had on my birthdays (and future ones to come). I don't deserve all this love. I don't deserve all this appreciation. Clearly, something has changed this year. I'm loved by many more people around me, because I've spread the happiness that is Sharm everywhere I go. You'd agree that my already existing happiness was a lot less contagious than it is now, and thus I've never received so much in return. You are the change. You are the beacon for this happiness, a happiness that deserves being shared. Everyday you inspire me to write without simply treading on the same path. You allow me to detour so that each new word I write is a fresh perspective. You love me, so that I can love others with a love I thought was humanly impossible. And you never fail to amaze me.
Thank you for reading till the end. If you've managed to survive this long-windedness of mine I hope you've learnt a new definition of love and bliss as well.
- Sharmaine
Wednesday, 10 September 2014
Thoughts in the shower 2
I bet you've never thought love could mean more than you think. I bet you've tried to define it a thousand times like I've did. I bet you've thought of something pretty good, but felt that it was never complete.
Sometimes your newsfeed defines it for you. You stumble across an eloquent tumblr quote/passage about love - like the Brad Pitt one about Angelina Jolie! Everybody knows the Brad Pitt one. 'The woman is a reflection of her man.' And nicely put, because a woman's love is indeed a reflection of her man's.
Although I never will be able to fully define love, in the shower today I thought of the first definition to ever come close to complete. Love isn't your painstakingly thought through definitions. Love isn't what your daily dose of tumblr quotes defines it to be.
Love is actually only one thing. Love is a dictionary of all these definitions. The definition of love is the definition of a dictionary. It is the keeper of all definitions, the full record of every single definition you have ever given it. It is defined by every single thing you've ever done for him/her since the day you first met. It is the complete chronicle of every beautiful day you've spent together.
Well, this is the closest I've come to 'complete'.
And I guess 'complete' can only be found by being in love itself.
Sometimes your newsfeed defines it for you. You stumble across an eloquent tumblr quote/passage about love - like the Brad Pitt one about Angelina Jolie! Everybody knows the Brad Pitt one. 'The woman is a reflection of her man.' And nicely put, because a woman's love is indeed a reflection of her man's.
Although I never will be able to fully define love, in the shower today I thought of the first definition to ever come close to complete. Love isn't your painstakingly thought through definitions. Love isn't what your daily dose of tumblr quotes defines it to be.
Love is actually only one thing. Love is a dictionary of all these definitions. The definition of love is the definition of a dictionary. It is the keeper of all definitions, the full record of every single definition you have ever given it. It is defined by every single thing you've ever done for him/her since the day you first met. It is the complete chronicle of every beautiful day you've spent together.
Well, this is the closest I've come to 'complete'.
And I guess 'complete' can only be found by being in love itself.
Thursday, 3 July 2014
Thoughts in the shower
I was having a shower when I thought of what to say if Su Jin proposed to me. I took out my S4 and sat on the toilet bowl butt naked to type this knowing that it might be the next big thing to make him shed more than a tear (he never cries). If it happened, and it will, I will make sure I'm deserving enough to speak. And this is what I would do. I would go down on one knee too, and I would tell him that when we start this journey as a couple, it will end. One of us will go first but i'm hoping to be the one on the podium telling other people I love that on the very day it ends for him, it hasn't for me. Because i'll remember the day it all began, I'll remember how I fell in love with him all over again, and I, him in heaven, WE, would have never felt more alive.
And I would say yes.
And I would say yes.
Sunday, 12 January 2014
Personal encounters in Europe pt.2
Do miracles also suddenly happen on holidays?
Because first things first. I didn't grow fat, surprisingly, considering the good food I had. Let me write about one of my favourites. They're favourites because I can still feel the taste on my tongue when I look at my pictures of them. This one is the German burger I had. I may be confusing the meaning of 'perfect' with 'favourite' here but the bun was of my favourite texture. And it was absolutely perfect. I will always remember what Ratatouille (I love Disney zomg) taught me about bread. 'The taste of good bread lies not in its smell or looks but in its sound' - I believe this even more after my encounter with the burger. And this burger had warm and juicy meat covered in just enough gravy sandwiched in between. And surrounding my burger and was a live quartet dressed in Santa Claus costumes holding double basses and trumpets singing Christmas carols. The scene made my heart dance. And finally, accompanying that absolutely beautiful moment was a fresh but everlasting memory I made of me ice-skating for the first time on a winter day. Beauty does happen in Germany too.
A Sharmaine that didn't read about Amsterdam in John Green's book would have walked into Amsterdam different than a Sharmaine who did. That by the way, is The Fault in Our Stars and officially the most beautiful book I've ever read. Thanks to John Green I entered Amsterdam with a vivid imagination about what it would be like. And thanks to John Green, I had the extraordinary chance to watch that same imagination unfold and come to life right before my eyes. I cannot forget as well how humourous Amsterdam is. This was from a sign at the end of an Amsterdam red light district alley containing prostitutes showcased like Mannequins in front of glass doors - "No sex. Only relaxation massage." I would kill for another chance to have my imagination come alive again. Bring me to the East or West Coast of USA, to the foot of Mt. Fuji, or an old Greek temple in Olympus for that chance. I would go all over the world but I would end off each trip saying the same simple thing - I love travelling.
The day I witnessed ultimate beauty (in the form of the Eiffel tower) was my last day in Europe and also the day I met a French man whose alcohol was cheaper than my hot chocolate. They were right about French accents being sexy. The French accent is as sexy as the city of Paris. I'm also still right about the most interesting people being the ones who talk about life. French history doesn't particularly interest me as much as other things but when it's told to me by a French man himself, everything changes. If you're my history teacher and you tell me about the French revolution, it's education. If you're a French man, it's storytelling.
And then you have love. It doesn't matter who you are and where you come from. Because when we start talking about love there are no barriers. Anybody can talk about love any different way they want, but you'd realise eventually that there's nothing different about it at all. This guy was white and eloquent looking with partially greying hair, sipping alcohol and sitting cross-legged in a Paris cafe. Sitting on his right were two suaku Singaporean tourists who were simply too tired from squeezing with PRCs at Lafayette. But they decided to have hot chocolate the same time this guy decided on alcohol. And all because of one hop on a plane and one mind-blowing destiny, I could have the priceless chance of hearing how much someone so different had the same love I have for Bruce Lee.
One day I'll make sure I set foot on every. single. country there is. Because I wouldn't be Sharmaine otherwise.
//tbc in feb
#lovinglifesince1996
Because first things first. I didn't grow fat, surprisingly, considering the good food I had. Let me write about one of my favourites. They're favourites because I can still feel the taste on my tongue when I look at my pictures of them. This one is the German burger I had. I may be confusing the meaning of 'perfect' with 'favourite' here but the bun was of my favourite texture. And it was absolutely perfect. I will always remember what Ratatouille (I love Disney zomg) taught me about bread. 'The taste of good bread lies not in its smell or looks but in its sound' - I believe this even more after my encounter with the burger. And this burger had warm and juicy meat covered in just enough gravy sandwiched in between. And surrounding my burger and was a live quartet dressed in Santa Claus costumes holding double basses and trumpets singing Christmas carols. The scene made my heart dance. And finally, accompanying that absolutely beautiful moment was a fresh but everlasting memory I made of me ice-skating for the first time on a winter day. Beauty does happen in Germany too.
A Sharmaine that didn't read about Amsterdam in John Green's book would have walked into Amsterdam different than a Sharmaine who did. That by the way, is The Fault in Our Stars and officially the most beautiful book I've ever read. Thanks to John Green I entered Amsterdam with a vivid imagination about what it would be like. And thanks to John Green, I had the extraordinary chance to watch that same imagination unfold and come to life right before my eyes. I cannot forget as well how humourous Amsterdam is. This was from a sign at the end of an Amsterdam red light district alley containing prostitutes showcased like Mannequins in front of glass doors - "No sex. Only relaxation massage." I would kill for another chance to have my imagination come alive again. Bring me to the East or West Coast of USA, to the foot of Mt. Fuji, or an old Greek temple in Olympus for that chance. I would go all over the world but I would end off each trip saying the same simple thing - I love travelling.
The day I witnessed ultimate beauty (in the form of the Eiffel tower) was my last day in Europe and also the day I met a French man whose alcohol was cheaper than my hot chocolate. They were right about French accents being sexy. The French accent is as sexy as the city of Paris. I'm also still right about the most interesting people being the ones who talk about life. French history doesn't particularly interest me as much as other things but when it's told to me by a French man himself, everything changes. If you're my history teacher and you tell me about the French revolution, it's education. If you're a French man, it's storytelling.
And then you have love. It doesn't matter who you are and where you come from. Because when we start talking about love there are no barriers. Anybody can talk about love any different way they want, but you'd realise eventually that there's nothing different about it at all. This guy was white and eloquent looking with partially greying hair, sipping alcohol and sitting cross-legged in a Paris cafe. Sitting on his right were two suaku Singaporean tourists who were simply too tired from squeezing with PRCs at Lafayette. But they decided to have hot chocolate the same time this guy decided on alcohol. And all because of one hop on a plane and one mind-blowing destiny, I could have the priceless chance of hearing how much someone so different had the same love I have for Bruce Lee.
One day I'll make sure I set foot on every. single. country there is. Because I wouldn't be Sharmaine otherwise.
//tbc in feb
#lovinglifesince1996
Saturday, 11 January 2014
Personal encounters in Europe pt.1
For some reason people suddenly become happier when they go on holidays.
It doesn't matter if you're happy all the time anyway or you just had a quarrel last night. For me I was apprehensive. We were going on our first holiday as a whole family. We paid the money, we put in the effort preparing for the trip, and we were about to go the most beautiful continent in the world. So I was afraid that one quarrel would spoil it all. But I've never seen mom happier. She works in funny ways - telling her that I have been performing well during polo training would make her no happier than if I were to do something stupid like Victoria Secret model her winter coat in the hotel room. So I kick-started the trip by imitating my dad's bad body rolls with disco music playing in the background. It brings a smile to her face. And for as long as I can remember, I've always been saying - nothing makes me happier than seeing others happy.
So God punished me for overnighting and eating too much during camp by giving me a sore throat. But who's gonna complain if your throat is sore and you're in Europe? Like okay, I'm in front of the Colosseum taking pictures and the itch is making my pictures less 'insta-worthy', yet I'm smiling as though ruined stacks of old rocks are beyond amazing. Why? 1. Ruined but beautiful stacks of old rocks instantly make you look like a better photographer. 2. You can't Thank God sincerely for granting you a chance to be in the most beautiful place in the world if you're not smiling (the hot Europeans add on to it too). And, in a paragraph, I've just wrote down the entire gist of my trip to Europe. But of course, I don't plan to stop here.
Being in Europe and without your other half makes you feel like shit. You go everywhere and you just won't stop seeing, hearing and experiencing these things that you need to tell him about. I'm walking through a street in Rome in 8 degree weather and I see a simple pizza place with small coffee and tea tables and chairs outside. I see a metal furnace/fireplace in between and I hear laughter and celebration, I sense people taking the time to catch up, I feel them letting their warmth loose and all of a sudden, it doesn't feel that cold anymore. I start wishing Su Jin and I were amongst them.
To be honest, I feel really, really, really, REALLY proud of myself that I didn't take a picture of myself looking like I was 'pushing' the leaning tower of Pisa. F*** that (LOLOLOL). Instead, I 'lifted' it. Yes, I left my legacy at Pisa. No one is ever going to pose the same way. I think I did the bored tower a favour that day. And I never thought I would go to Venice and feel more interested in watching my mom following the same pigeons we see in Singapore around than entering the bigass church or something. Don't get me wrong, Venice is majestic and beautiful. And the pigeons are as smelly as the canals. And while the Gondola ride was a deceiving but exciting tourist trap, if you asked me what I remember from my visit to Venice, I would tell you - my 20 SGD hot chocolate from Florian Cafe at Piazza San Marco. Freaking hot chocolate had me like extremely tantalized yet extremely disgusted all at the same time what the hell?!?!?!?? But my my, that was the best hot chocolate I've ever had in my life.
Switzerland was my first time acknowledging there was someone else on this trip that likes having fun as much as me. Switzerland was Shev, Glen and I walking on a suspension bridge 10000 ft. high in mild blizzard conditions and feeling blown away (pun not intended). At that same height I was sliding down snow slopes in my 15 dollar snow boots and trying the best chocolate cone I've ever had in my life. I wish I could say that was one of the best feelings ever, but considering how many "best feeling ever"s I had in my life I'm pretty sure something is gonna set a new record soon.
I knew I was right about reading bringing people together. Su Jin and I were brought together because we read. And because we were brought together, I read - or rather, was reading during the trip - and true enough it brought me to this one amazing person. And all it took was a simple question about what I was reading. Reading is incredible because gaining knowledge is incredible. And gaining knowledge is incredible because you get to share it. You tell people the stories you've read and they tell you theirs too. Then you start to find yourself telling them your life stories - your experiences, your memories and the lessons you've learnt (and vice versa). If you're lucky you might meet someone who particularly likes your stories and particularly likes telling his too.
I'm proud to say that on my trip to Europe, that magic happened to me. An amazing person fell out of nowhere and bestowed upon me the honour of becoming his friend.
//end of part one
It doesn't matter if you're happy all the time anyway or you just had a quarrel last night. For me I was apprehensive. We were going on our first holiday as a whole family. We paid the money, we put in the effort preparing for the trip, and we were about to go the most beautiful continent in the world. So I was afraid that one quarrel would spoil it all. But I've never seen mom happier. She works in funny ways - telling her that I have been performing well during polo training would make her no happier than if I were to do something stupid like Victoria Secret model her winter coat in the hotel room. So I kick-started the trip by imitating my dad's bad body rolls with disco music playing in the background. It brings a smile to her face. And for as long as I can remember, I've always been saying - nothing makes me happier than seeing others happy.
So God punished me for overnighting and eating too much during camp by giving me a sore throat. But who's gonna complain if your throat is sore and you're in Europe? Like okay, I'm in front of the Colosseum taking pictures and the itch is making my pictures less 'insta-worthy', yet I'm smiling as though ruined stacks of old rocks are beyond amazing. Why? 1. Ruined but beautiful stacks of old rocks instantly make you look like a better photographer. 2. You can't Thank God sincerely for granting you a chance to be in the most beautiful place in the world if you're not smiling (the hot Europeans add on to it too). And, in a paragraph, I've just wrote down the entire gist of my trip to Europe. But of course, I don't plan to stop here.
Being in Europe and without your other half makes you feel like shit. You go everywhere and you just won't stop seeing, hearing and experiencing these things that you need to tell him about. I'm walking through a street in Rome in 8 degree weather and I see a simple pizza place with small coffee and tea tables and chairs outside. I see a metal furnace/fireplace in between and I hear laughter and celebration, I sense people taking the time to catch up, I feel them letting their warmth loose and all of a sudden, it doesn't feel that cold anymore. I start wishing Su Jin and I were amongst them.
To be honest, I feel really, really, really, REALLY proud of myself that I didn't take a picture of myself looking like I was 'pushing' the leaning tower of Pisa. F*** that (LOLOLOL). Instead, I 'lifted' it. Yes, I left my legacy at Pisa. No one is ever going to pose the same way. I think I did the bored tower a favour that day. And I never thought I would go to Venice and feel more interested in watching my mom following the same pigeons we see in Singapore around than entering the bigass church or something. Don't get me wrong, Venice is majestic and beautiful. And the pigeons are as smelly as the canals. And while the Gondola ride was a deceiving but exciting tourist trap, if you asked me what I remember from my visit to Venice, I would tell you - my 20 SGD hot chocolate from Florian Cafe at Piazza San Marco. Freaking hot chocolate had me like extremely tantalized yet extremely disgusted all at the same time what the hell?!?!?!?? But my my, that was the best hot chocolate I've ever had in my life.
Switzerland was my first time acknowledging there was someone else on this trip that likes having fun as much as me. Switzerland was Shev, Glen and I walking on a suspension bridge 10000 ft. high in mild blizzard conditions and feeling blown away (pun not intended). At that same height I was sliding down snow slopes in my 15 dollar snow boots and trying the best chocolate cone I've ever had in my life. I wish I could say that was one of the best feelings ever, but considering how many "best feeling ever"s I had in my life I'm pretty sure something is gonna set a new record soon.
I knew I was right about reading bringing people together. Su Jin and I were brought together because we read. And because we were brought together, I read - or rather, was reading during the trip - and true enough it brought me to this one amazing person. And all it took was a simple question about what I was reading. Reading is incredible because gaining knowledge is incredible. And gaining knowledge is incredible because you get to share it. You tell people the stories you've read and they tell you theirs too. Then you start to find yourself telling them your life stories - your experiences, your memories and the lessons you've learnt (and vice versa). If you're lucky you might meet someone who particularly likes your stories and particularly likes telling his too.
I'm proud to say that on my trip to Europe, that magic happened to me. An amazing person fell out of nowhere and bestowed upon me the honour of becoming his friend.
//end of part one
Wednesday, 11 December 2013
God
9th December 2013 11:20 A.M.
During every worship session I felt a different emotion.
And every time God was there. I found this amazing because it was a reminder of his presence. God was there and he always is, and he was trying to tell me. Sometimes it is only during particularly 'holy' times like these when I seek his presence. The truth is whether I bother to call for him or not, he never leaves and never would.
I guess that was why I felt a myriad of emotions throughout the camp. God needed to remind me urgently while he could because I'm so spiritually selfish, always giving a lot of time to things that aren't God. I knew this when I started to sit down while everyone still had their hands raised and mouths open. Holding my pen in one hand and my paper in the other, I began to write as God spoke:
"Love me for I am there even though you are frustrated. Love me because I am your comfort when you are sad. Love me because joy exists for you because I gave my son. I created a beautiful world for you, Sharmaine, and I want you to see it."
//
Back to why I felt a different emotion every night:
The first time I felt shamed because I was distracted and unable to connect to God while everyone else around me did. The second time I remembered my sins and I remembered the sorrows of the world. On the last night I remembered how I was going to Europe soon. I thought of the beautiful scenery, people, food and architecture. I thought of how I would soon get the rare chance to marvel at God's wonderful creations.
I needed to feel this because God needed to respond.
It is indeed timely and amazing that 'His Presence' was the theme of the camp because God was there and I know it.
During every worship session I felt a different emotion.
And every time God was there. I found this amazing because it was a reminder of his presence. God was there and he always is, and he was trying to tell me. Sometimes it is only during particularly 'holy' times like these when I seek his presence. The truth is whether I bother to call for him or not, he never leaves and never would.
I guess that was why I felt a myriad of emotions throughout the camp. God needed to remind me urgently while he could because I'm so spiritually selfish, always giving a lot of time to things that aren't God. I knew this when I started to sit down while everyone still had their hands raised and mouths open. Holding my pen in one hand and my paper in the other, I began to write as God spoke:
"Love me for I am there even though you are frustrated. Love me because I am your comfort when you are sad. Love me because joy exists for you because I gave my son. I created a beautiful world for you, Sharmaine, and I want you to see it."
//
Back to why I felt a different emotion every night:
The first time I felt shamed because I was distracted and unable to connect to God while everyone else around me did. The second time I remembered my sins and I remembered the sorrows of the world. On the last night I remembered how I was going to Europe soon. I thought of the beautiful scenery, people, food and architecture. I thought of how I would soon get the rare chance to marvel at God's wonderful creations.
I needed to feel this because God needed to respond.
It is indeed timely and amazing that 'His Presence' was the theme of the camp because God was there and I know it.
Saturday, 23 November 2013
'Team'
Haven't posted in over a month.
I look at my blog and I realise how much happens in a month.
Days. Weeks. Months. All add up to a year. It thus comprises a myriad of these kinds of moments - moments where you're on a roller coaster but you're not screaming. You're marveling at how fast it's going, how exciting it is. Yeah, that's me now.
//
Babe, I'm dedicating this November post to you and to us.
This afternoon we both received news about our OGL interviews being successful. It wasn't just getting through that made me happy.
One of the quotes we've collected is: 'You take love and you multiply it.'
The team trophy's always bigger than the individual. Happiness gained from a team win is multiplied while solo happiness is just, singular.
Ever since I was blessed with the chance of a lifetime to know you, happiness for me has been redefined. It comes in stronger; more powerful. And it demands to be celebrated. Every step we've taken together ever since we became a team needs to be celebrated.
And what do you know, we're about to take our newest, biggest step yet.
I highly doubt this will happen but I promise I will do something very embarrassing if you turn out to be my fellow OGL.
I don't usually post pictures but:
And what do you know, we're about to take our newest, biggest step yet.
I highly doubt this will happen but I promise I will do something very embarrassing if you turn out to be my fellow OGL.
I don't usually post pictures but:
Each picture represents the steps we've taken together as a team. By the end of time, I'll need a million of these to celebrate all the steps we've taken together.
I don't mind.
I love you.
Wednesday, 2 October 2013
My best friend
i have a best friend he is very sweet. yesterday my burfdae and he was oso very sweet.
Basically, my best friend's the most amazing guy I've ever met. He's literally like something out of a Korean drama or a Disney movie. And I don't even wish to compare him with all the princes and hot male leads because THEY aren't worthy. He's the kind of guy I used to doubt existed (but would still daydream about as a naive and stupid little girl anyway) and I was actually very, very sure I was right. But yesterday, I guess he decided it was time to shut me up once and for all. And that was pretty easy - even though I was adamant - considering the fact that my life is now the fairy tale all other young naive teenage girls just dream of having. Girls, if you want him for yourself, I don't blame you.
About God knows how long ago, my best friend started very mysteriously keeping his phone memo pad away from me. My best friend writes important things in his memo. And you'll know its very important when he keeps it locked with a password. Anyway, I briefly knew the reason why, but that was it. I obviously didn't want to ruin a surprise for myself. And here's the thing about me and surprises: I kind of hate them because who the hell decided that anyone should have to wait for good things?!?!? Then after I get surprised I start to kind of love them because who the hell am I to complain about having to wait?!
Here's another thing I'm quite sure about: most girls don't get surprised at 7 A.M. on a rooftop on their birthday by candles that spell out 'happy birthday', or by homemade muffins, or by a pendant with our picture and my name engraved on it. Or what about by devising an elaborate plan with my sister in secret for half a month just to surprise me and make sure that I will never forget how my seventeenth birthday ended? And girls love chick flicks. Girls wish they could be the Boys Over Flowers female lead receiving all these things. And they wish that despite knowing that such things don't come easy. Sometimes, they don't even come at all. So I'll admit it. I'm yet again 'one of those lucky girls' and I think saying that I'm an unbelievably, unquestionably, overly, genuinely, positively and absolutely lucky girl is a complete understatement. Even after all that said, I feel like I've yet to properly describe just how lucky I think I am. Best friend, maybe words aren't enough. So I would like to answer with a memory, yours to keep:
If the necklace was you asking me to be in your life forever, I'd say that my tears were my yes.
I used to think that tears of sadness are the kind you'd cry multiple times in a row. But to me, tears of joy - the kind you'd cry upon collecting O/A level results, or during an emotional 'haven't-seen-you-in-ages' reunion - were almost sacred. They're just these rare and mysterious little things; ghosts, kind of insignificant when they're not around, yet powerful, paralyzing and strangely stunning in attack. Not anymore though. My best friend intends to prove to me that ghosts are real. He redefines tears of joy. He sets the rules now. Best friend, very soon it'll be easy to say that you've redefined life. Or that you've redefined me. And best friend, I think you know very well:
We're redefining love everyday.
I don't even want to say thank you anymore because those are just two words. They're two words everyone tries to say differently on their own special day for the sake of it. It becomes an obligation and a practice. Best friend, if saying thank you is going to be an obligation, I don't want to. But that's barely going to mean anything compared to what I mean when I smile at you as though I've never known happiness, or when I cry as though I've never been moved. Best friend, what are you? Your existence almost seems impossible. But when I wake up everyday, the first thing that comes to mind is how real you are.
At this point it should be quite obvious that my best friend isn't actually my best friend. I just needed an easy way to write all of this and not have to stop myself because stinging is unthinkable when describing someone amazing like him. But what is he really? Honestly, I don't know. And I'm not sorry I don't know because I can't assign him a common label because this is an extraordinary guy in an extraordinary friendship. Girls, if you still want him for yourself, I don't blame you. If you've read this and you're now sure you need him for yourself, I still don't blame you. But back to the topic of not knowing - I do know now that if you want him for yourself, you'll have to get through me. Because I am irrevocably, crazily, devotedly, indescribably, so in love with my best friend, Su Jin Chandran.
Thank you for giving me the best birthday I could ever ask for
I love you ♥
Basically, my best friend's the most amazing guy I've ever met. He's literally like something out of a Korean drama or a Disney movie. And I don't even wish to compare him with all the princes and hot male leads because THEY aren't worthy. He's the kind of guy I used to doubt existed (but would still daydream about as a naive and stupid little girl anyway) and I was actually very, very sure I was right. But yesterday, I guess he decided it was time to shut me up once and for all. And that was pretty easy - even though I was adamant - considering the fact that my life is now the fairy tale all other young naive teenage girls just dream of having. Girls, if you want him for yourself, I don't blame you.
About God knows how long ago, my best friend started very mysteriously keeping his phone memo pad away from me. My best friend writes important things in his memo. And you'll know its very important when he keeps it locked with a password. Anyway, I briefly knew the reason why, but that was it. I obviously didn't want to ruin a surprise for myself. And here's the thing about me and surprises: I kind of hate them because who the hell decided that anyone should have to wait for good things?!?!? Then after I get surprised I start to kind of love them because who the hell am I to complain about having to wait?!
Here's another thing I'm quite sure about: most girls don't get surprised at 7 A.M. on a rooftop on their birthday by candles that spell out 'happy birthday', or by homemade muffins, or by a pendant with our picture and my name engraved on it. Or what about by devising an elaborate plan with my sister in secret for half a month just to surprise me and make sure that I will never forget how my seventeenth birthday ended? And girls love chick flicks. Girls wish they could be the Boys Over Flowers female lead receiving all these things. And they wish that despite knowing that such things don't come easy. Sometimes, they don't even come at all. So I'll admit it. I'm yet again 'one of those lucky girls' and I think saying that I'm an unbelievably, unquestionably, overly, genuinely, positively and absolutely lucky girl is a complete understatement. Even after all that said, I feel like I've yet to properly describe just how lucky I think I am. Best friend, maybe words aren't enough. So I would like to answer with a memory, yours to keep:
If the necklace was you asking me to be in your life forever, I'd say that my tears were my yes.
I used to think that tears of sadness are the kind you'd cry multiple times in a row. But to me, tears of joy - the kind you'd cry upon collecting O/A level results, or during an emotional 'haven't-seen-you-in-ages' reunion - were almost sacred. They're just these rare and mysterious little things; ghosts, kind of insignificant when they're not around, yet powerful, paralyzing and strangely stunning in attack. Not anymore though. My best friend intends to prove to me that ghosts are real. He redefines tears of joy. He sets the rules now. Best friend, very soon it'll be easy to say that you've redefined life. Or that you've redefined me. And best friend, I think you know very well:
We're redefining love everyday.
I don't even want to say thank you anymore because those are just two words. They're two words everyone tries to say differently on their own special day for the sake of it. It becomes an obligation and a practice. Best friend, if saying thank you is going to be an obligation, I don't want to. But that's barely going to mean anything compared to what I mean when I smile at you as though I've never known happiness, or when I cry as though I've never been moved. Best friend, what are you? Your existence almost seems impossible. But when I wake up everyday, the first thing that comes to mind is how real you are.
At this point it should be quite obvious that my best friend isn't actually my best friend. I just needed an easy way to write all of this and not have to stop myself because stinging is unthinkable when describing someone amazing like him. But what is he really? Honestly, I don't know. And I'm not sorry I don't know because I can't assign him a common label because this is an extraordinary guy in an extraordinary friendship. Girls, if you still want him for yourself, I don't blame you. If you've read this and you're now sure you need him for yourself, I still don't blame you. But back to the topic of not knowing - I do know now that if you want him for yourself, you'll have to get through me. Because I am irrevocably, crazily, devotedly, indescribably, so in love with my best friend, Su Jin Chandran.
Thank you for giving me the best birthday I could ever ask for
I love you ♥
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